Not an Option

Five years had just flied

But my heart stills the same

I don’t think he’ll ever change

He will love you till the end.

Great… I thought when I saw the couple sitting in the bank I sit every day. I kept my distance from them. It was a man and a woman, around fifty years old. The man looked in my direction but didn’t notice I was there; he was looking at some kind of advertisement for pills. Five minutes later the bus came and they got up. I sat on the bank while the bus door closed in my face. I still remember when I used to take the bus to go to college. The clock over the store marked 3:45. I have always liked to go early so I don’t miss any second of her. I had to sit and wait for fifteen more minutes.

 I saw Karen walking down the sidewalk in front of the store; she was smiling, holding hands with Mark. They were laughing as they talk but suddenly they stopped when they walked in front of the bakery, I didn’t get to hear what Karen said but for the look on her face I supposed it was about me because that bakery was my favorite. Mark hugged her and they kept walking. I was amazed by how many names I knew from my college classes but how just a few of them were really my friends, and just a few of them knew about the bakery. Karen always used to get cupcakes for me from that bakery. I was remembering how I used to eat more than one at a time and Karen would fight with me to leave some for the others when I saw the car coming.

She parked in the front parking lot as she always did. When she got out of the car and started walking toward the store I raised my hand and I touched there, in that place where my heart used to be and I remember how he used to jump every time I saw her, and how he used to make me smile so much that my cheeks would hurt for days when she smiled at me and how much he made me cry when I was away from her and I wanted to hug her. I saw her order her favorite hot chocolate and her favorite donut and then she sat alone in one of the little tables outside. I was amazed by how the years passed and I was still the same but she became even more beautiful every single day, her brown hair longer, her eyes brighter.  Every time the cool autumn air blew her cheeks blushed and I smile. Then her phone rang. Hearing her voice was the most amazing thing, all the emotions it raised inside of me… I’ll never get use to them, mostly when I thought in that dark moment that I was never going to listen to it again. I just wished I could do it the twenty four hours of the day. I wish I could be there when she wakes up, spend my whole day by her side and then protect her while she sleeps. But all I have are these short fifteen minutes that she spends in the café, sometimes more, sometimes less. I can’t get closer to her. It’s prohibited. I can’t smile at her, I can’t protect her, I can’t keep bad things away from her, I’m not supposed to love her anymore but I can’t forget her. Forgetting her is not an option.

She got up and walked towards the little door on the front.  She looked at the bank, maybe at the advertisement of a new store pasted behind me; she shook a bit her head and then kept walking. I wonder if she still remembers me, it was so long ago. I can’t believe five years had already flown away, five long lonely years. She used to smile every time she saw me. I still remember how happy that made me and how sad I was when I didn’t see her. Fifteen minutes is not enough time to figure out if she thinks about me, if she remembers me. Years ago I used to suffer because I had that human heart that was so weak, so broken, and I had limited time near her. I never knew how she felt, what her thoughts were… and now all I want is to be how I was, go back to when I could hold her, when she smiled at me and would smile back. I think she used to love me, not in the way I wanted her to but she loved me in her own way.  A way I will never understand but always appreciate. And sometimes I wish she hadn’t love me, because that day my pain doubled watching her crying as a friend gave her the news, watching her crying as she touched my pale face as I laid there, watching her crying the day I was gone.